Christmas was invented by marketers.
For the rest of the year, coming up with content compelling enough to lure those filthy pack-rat customers into your store and squeezing every mouldy penny from their grubby paws is pretty tricky. The fickle little bastards. So, like the radio DJs before them, online marketers have mastered the art of the tangential segue, seizing any opportunity to make their wares ‘current’ by associating it with any event, no matter how unrelated. Gotta get that fresh content!
Oh, is it Wimbledon? Look at how tennis themed all our products are! Hey, it’s Bastille day? Like, Share and Comment on our picture of a French flag and don’t forget to buy something on your way out. Did you know its National Wipe-Your-Arse-With-Bacon day for a tribe of Sun-worshipers in an undiscovered Mediterranean Archipelago? Share this if you like bacon! Share this if you poo!
Christmas is the gift that keeps on giving, for idea-strapped, creatively bereft marketers. It’s a chance to disengage your brain, get the Christmas content down from the attic and enjoy the sales spike that only a culturally-enforced period of mandatory commerce can provide. But everyone knows that, as idea-strapped, creatively bereft marketers go, SEO persons are the singularity. A theoretical construct of infinite vapidity.
So as tribute to all those lazy marketers out there who are busy filling their BufferApp account with saccharine Christmas dross, I’ve put together my top 5 favourite pieces of lazy, trite SEO bumwash content that you can use all year round! Because content isn’t just for Christmas you know. (A “top 5” article slagging off lazy content – ooh there’s a lot of layers to that!)
If you have ever put out a variation of the following – shame on you.
The SEO Tube Map
This one is great. Don’t worry about trying to make this a meaningful metaphor or even trying to make any logical analogies at all. Arbitrarily replacing location names with field specific lexis is perfectly sufficient. Trust me – this shit will go viral. Other digital marketers will clap their elbows together in glee at merely reading words they recognise and you’ll be the number 1 rated post on Moz until JC Denton ushers in a new dark age in 2052.
The SEO Periodic Table
Urgh. This one is slightly better than the tube map, because unlike the city of London, which was built organically over centuries according to the shifting technology and politics of a sprawling urban conurbation, the periodic table is a meticulously organised table where the location of elements denotes specific properties and characteristics. This will lend your meaningless use of random marketing buzzwords (according to no particular logic or order) a sense of scientific gravitas that will impress clients and contemporaries alike.
I’d be lying if I said that this one doesn’t impress me just a little bit. With SEO monopoly, you too can enjoy an awkward game of not-quite-as-good-as-monopoly with your co-workers under the guise of “team-building”. Oh no, guys, Jill landed on the Algorithm update! Better go to the manual penalty square! Isn’t this so much more fun than going home to your loving partner on Christmas Eve? We’re just bonkers in this office aren’t we?
Perfect. Finally a conceit in which unimaginatively squirting marketing related words onto the screen with no rhyme or reason is the entire point! My “Like” clicking finger is twitching just thinking about it.
I swear guys, I didn’t mean anything by it. This whole blog was just a lovely Christmas joke! Surprise!
Oh you guys got me a gift too? Oh wow, I can’t wait to open it.
Hey, uhh, what does P45 mean? Guys? Guys???!